I’ve lost my Dad

Tania10
Occasional Contributor

I’ve lost my Dad

Hi Everyone 

Today is 2 weeks that my Dad passed away. He was diagnosed 8 weeks ago, we had no idea at the time that he had cancer, neither did he. His prognosis was 2-6 weeks to live. We (my mum, myself & 3 sisters) took him home and cared for him.  The last few days with him were beyond heartbreaking. I feel like I detached a little “this isn’t Dad” it got me through. After his prognosis we all fell apart, crying, sobbing. I was suffering panic attack and anxiety for weeks. We pulled it together and got through and did such an amazing job caring for him, I’m really proud of my family. 

But now since Dad has gone I can’t cry. I haven’t been able to sob or scream like I thought I would.  Friends are sobbing for me, they are checking on me and asking am I okay? 

I don’t know how to answer. Yes I feel fine?? I don’t like to think about him not being here. I replay the last few weeks through my head but if I think about the future without him my brain just blocks it, I’m literally not able to process it. 

Im a wife and mother to 3, I’m also helping my sisters take care of my Mum. I need to stay busy so I can’t think. I distract myself at any chance I get before I start overthinking. I’m going back to work next week as I’ve had the last 10 weeks off. 

Why cant I cry? When will it actually hit me? Will I be numb forever. I don’t like to say he’s gone because I don’t believe he is. 

Xx 

8 REPLIES 8
Budgie
Super Contributor

Re: I’ve lost my Dad

Hi Tania10,

 

I'm sorry for your loss.  It's never easy when you lose a loved one.    We all grieve differently, but you need to grieve & not hide it away.  You may have already done some of your grieving after his prognosis??   I don't know, but it does sound like you need to speak with someone, especially if your mind is blocking out your father's death.  Not much good could come of deferring it.   Try not to distract yourself from the thought of your father's death, but instead embrace it and see what happens.  It sounds like you have a very supportive & caring family around you, so you will have a lot of help when you need it, I think.

I wish you all the best

 

Budgie

BJO67
Contributor

Re: I’ve lost my Dad

Hi Tania10

So sorry to hear about your dad.

It was so sudden from his diagnosis to his passing that you are still trying to process it.

My partner died 7 weeks ago. The days I dont cry I feel guilty as if I should be...

Then out of the blue it happens.

I feel guilty everytime I catch myself laughing with friends.....as if I should be grieving more.

You are so busy with life as a mum..sister and daughter.

Be kind to yourself.

If you aren't crying it doesnt mean you didnt love your dad. Probably like me you can look at photos or videos and they make you feel happy and at peace. Thats ok too.

Sending you a big hug....

NaomiW
Occasional Contributor

Re: I’ve lost my Dad

Hi Tania10. I hear you. I lost my 34 year old husband to Stage 4 Bowel Cancer last month. He was diagnosed at the beginning of last year. We had a bit of time, but with all the medical appointments, and having to look after our 2 year old, it was harrowing to say the least. As strong as he was, he couldn't win with this. He tried so hard. So even though it's different situations, I feel your pain. I almost feel guilty when I don't cry, but I've spent the last 2 years crying and trying to keep it in at the same time. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, spiritually. And I still have my 2 year old to think about. Life just isn't fair.

In terms of not crying, don't think about it. Just let whatever comes, to come. I'm learning that grieving is different for everyone. Some people go through the stages in order, others, like me, go through them over and over and over again. Repeatedly. So what's going to come, will come. Just give yourself time to feel it.

I get what you mean about keeping busy. It's a coping mechanism. Don't think about it, and you won't get emotional. Maybe that's why you aren't crying. You aren't giving yourself time to reflect, and to grieve like you need to. See if you can get family members to look after the kids for a time, perhaps on a regular basis, and do what you need to to grieve.

Hugs to you.
Tania10
Occasional Contributor

Re: I’ve lost my Dad

Thank you,I have found moments when I’m alone is when I tend to think and reality sets in. Thanks for your reply, I appreciate xx
Karralacey
New Contributor

Re: I’ve lost my Dad

Hi, I feel the same like is this how I grieve. Is this it. I dont cry much and feel bad for it. I'm hurting though. I was caring for my dad for nearly 12 months before he passed away nearly 3 weeks ago
Big hugs x
Misty86
Frequent Visitor

Re: I’ve lost my Dad

So much of your story hits home for me and it was what I needed t

  • o find!

I recently lost my father very quickly as well. Diagnosed 6th May 2021 passed  15th June 2021.

 

I cried when we knew our time was running short, when he passed and the funeral. I was able to kind of turn off when we got home and I had to help sort meds out. And like you said near the end switch off and do what needs to be done. because well im sorry but our parents had to do those things for us when we wouldn't. 

 

I'm at loss with 'not grieving right'. I feel more numb then typical grief. Spend most of the day in bed sleeping.

I think all our reactions are right for us.  I think I'm still in the shock stage due to how quick and horrible was.

 

I hope you are doing better (what ever that may be) x

Reply
0 Kudos
MyheroCoolSpy
Frequent Contributor

Re: I’ve lost my Dad

Sorry to hear your Dad's loss. The reason you can't cry is because him dying didn't yet sink in your mind. In layman's term , there is no yet acceptance. I have a friend who lost his father too but, not in cancer. It took her at least 3 months before crying. What you are undergoing is normal , just give more time for yourself to internalize everything.

debmc1
New Contributor

Re: I’ve lost my Dad

I hope you can find peace and comfort and know that although strangers, there are people out here who care for your heart. sending you strength
Reply
0 Kudos
Post new topic
Talk to a health professional
Cancer Council support and information 13 11 20Mon - Fri 9am - 5pm
Cancer Information and Support

Online resources and support

Access information about support services, online resources and a range of other materials.

Caring for someone with cancer?

Find out what resources and support services are available to assist you.