Blogs - Page 235

Well I am still going with the 365 day project. I haven't missed a day yet although some days I have got to the end of the day and remember I haven't done the photo. I have had my daughter home from interstate this week. She is getting married here in March so the week has been full on with wedding arrangements and finalising bookings on some of the things for the day.

Yeah, I know. It is 6.04am. But I am up early and have a cup of coffee in my hand and don't have to do anything at all today. I just wanted to say how useful I found the list of hints for handling the holiday season. It's on the home page here. I constantly grapple with the energy in-energy out equation. Some days I am way out and it takes many days to recover. Other days I get so much done because I have decided to do nothing. It's very strange and kind of hard to get used to. But there it is. There I am. Here we are.

I ate something bad this morning and puked it up. I know it's just had food but after the last 6 months, this feeling is a little scary. A friend of mine in the US got through treatment completely stoned. It's been 10 years for him and I often winder whether or not it's better to be high through it all. I'm still bald. It's only been 2-3 weeks since the last chemo. I've pretty much distracted myself with bad DVDs ... Or at least they feel bad now that I'm sick... Which is ok. I know that this is just bad food.

I haven't spoken to anyone since I finished treatment about much. I obviously have a lot on my mind or else I wouldn't be here as an anonymous blogger. I'm due to see a CBT psych next week. She's a woman who has an ideal way of being for you to work towards. I'm at the stage where I'm too tired to live in fear. It's unsustainable. I've spoken to 2-3 young survivors of lymphoma. One who went through it 10 years ago. It really helps to meet other young adult survivors. I'm still young medically speaking.

When I was first diagnosed, I didn't know how I'd cope. People said I was really brave, positive and strong. I really had no option but to be. I had to be open to everything including the idea one's frame of mind plays a role in survival. I took a lot of lorazepams to deal with my anxieties, but I did meditate and force myself to look at what I still had going for me.

I've just come out of treatment for Stage 4 Primary Mediastinal Diffused B Cell Lymphoma (PMBCL). It falls under Non-Hodgkins, but is it's own little category of lymphoma as the histology of the disease isn't strictly NHL. The prognosis is good and I'm learning to live without fear, and to make the most of the second chance my doctors gave me. It's been less than 2 weeks out from my discharge from hospital following a week long stint post final cycle due to febrile neutropenic state. I was actually cytopenic - all the cells were down. Penic. I like that word.