HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVE ONE'S ANGER?

[Shauni22000]

Wow, out of frustration I literally googled “husband has cancer feels sorry for himself not treating me very nicely” and was taken right to this discussion. It’s a relief to know that I’m not alone, but still sad to see others hurting and upset like me. My husband was diagnosed with multiple myeloma this spring and is two weeks away from completing 16 weeks of chemo, with a stem cell transplant to follow next month. The chemotherapy has been getting tougher as it goes along, and surprisingly I’ve done a good job of supporting him with the physical horrors of the treatments, and I have to give him credit for being strong as well. It’s the mental aspects of the chemo and cancer that are making it tough.  As someone mentioned, the chemo brain is very real. I’ve endured his confusion with events and conversations and him turning that confusion on me. It seems like he alternates by treating me like I’m and idiot, and arrogantly ordering me around. Listening to some of your stories, it feels like our loved ones lash out and exploit our weaknesses, treating us how it hurts us the most. Tonight I finally snapped and tried to tell him how I’ve been feeling, which resulted in him crying, claiming he doesn’t want to be a burden, and running off to bed. Great. Now I can add guilt to my anger. It’s hard  realizing that communicating doesn’t fix much when you’re dealing with cancer of a loved one. There’s so much anger, sadness, and physical and mental pain that just won’t go away no matter what. Stay strong everyone. Know that even if there are dark days, there will also be better days. And there are lot’s of us who know exactly how you feel ♥️

[Shauni22000]

Wow, out of frustration I literally googled “husband has cancer feels sorry for himself not treating me very nicely” and was taken right to this discussion. It’s a relief to know that I’m not alone, but still sad to see others hurting and upset like me. My husband was diagnosed with multiple myeloma this spring and is two weeks away from completing 16 weeks of chemo, with a stem cell transplant to follow next month. The chemotherapy has been getting tougher as it goes along, and surprisingly I’ve done a good job of supporting him with the physical horrors of the treatments, and I have to give him credit for being strong as well. It’s the mental aspects of the chemo and cancer that are making it tough.  As someone mentioned, the chemo brain is very real. I’ve endured his confusion with events and conversations and him turning that confusion on me. It seems like he alternates by treating me like I’m and idiot, and arrogantly ordering me around. Listening to some of your stories, it feels like our loved ones lash out and exploit our weaknesses, treating us how it hurts us the most. Tonight I finally snapped and tried to tell him how I’ve been feeling, which resulted in him crying, claiming he doesn’t want to be a burden, and running off to bed. Great. Now I can add guilt to my anger. It’s hard  realizing that communicating doesn’t fix much when you’re dealing with cancer of a loved one. There’s so much anger, sadness, and physical and mental pain that just won’t go away no matter what. Stay strong everyone. Know that even if there are dark days, there will also better days. And there are lot’s of us who know exactly how you feel ♥️

[Traci-Renee]

Shauni22000, just read your post.  I couldn’t agree with you more.  One minute things are ok and I do mean OK, then bam I’m every name in the book.  Hurtful things coming from his mouth.  I cry and cry.  I don’t think he or our loved ones know how much we are hurting, bc they are the ones with Cancer.  My husband tells me every time he starts screaming at me.  I’m the one with Cancer. ( you selfish f-in bitch).  When he’s nice he is nice, but when he is mean he is mean as hell.  A man I don’t even recognize.  My heart is so broken, as I know many of us are suffering from broken hearts.  I just need a great big hug from the man I love and care for.  I hate to see my husband scared and hurting and holding everything in and trying to act like he’s Superman. I hate seeing my kids faces scared of the unknown and walking on eggshells.  I’m mom and feel like I’m suppose to make everything thing better, and I can’t.  What a failure I feel like.  Stay strong, I have to remind my self of this every minute and am failing at this also. 💔

[Tracy88xx]

Hi...im new here like many. Ive been caring for my partner of 8 years for nearly 3 months now. He was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic melanoma. Hes 34 and it has come like a torrential storm thats not easing up. He doesn't leave the house, he mopes around the house making everyone anxious ( 1 have 4 children 14-5), he moans about absolutely everything and the way he talks to me and belittles me is so hurtful. I know he has cancer but yet at every chance he gets he reminds me. Im 31 and ive already lost my eldest childrens dad a few years ago and now im facing the prospect of losing another and for even thinking that i feel terrible guilt. Im doing everything i can to appease this man make him comfortable and bring up 4 children...i feel stressed and like a complete failure. Ive tryed getting him to go to a doctor for help but he point blank refuses...how can you help someone who wont help their selves? He just hides away from the world and everyone in it because he doesnt wanna be at looked at differently. How can i persuade him he needs counselling without sounding like im telling him something else is wrong with him? Sorry for the essay just couldnt stop typing once id started.

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Tracy88xx, he must be seeing a dr, correct.  Tell the dr what is going on behind his back.  Do they have permission to speak with you?  If so call them and explain to them his treatment of you.  My husband called me everything in the book and I was crying all the time, and on his third visit for chemo they saw his little looks and snaps at me and they lowered his Steroid.  Well let me tell you, he is a whole new person. He hasn’t called me any names in two weeks and all they did was lower his dose.  We just went in today for our fourth treatment and I’m praying for the same results bc they kept him on the lower dose of steroid.  Good luck and sending you a great big hug.  Hope to hear back from you.  Traci-Renee

[hestas]

First time posting, but very glad I found this online group. My husband was diagnosed in late August with cancer of the esophagus, stage 3, GE junction. He has been receiving Chemo and radiation since the second week of September and finishes this week with surgery scheduled for the beginning of December. It is a life changing surgery and for the rest of his life he will be very restricted on eating very small amounts of food and zero alcohol. Since the cure rate is low, I feel we can live with the eating and drinking restrictions as long as he is alive! He has been angry at me from almost day one. No one else. We have grown children. He is his normal self around the children and all the doctors. It pains me to go to appointments and see other patients holding hands and talking with their spouses, while he is absolutely silent without even acknowledging that I am right next to him. If I express my hurt feelings, it makes him verbally angry at me, so I have learned to just hide my feelings. I feel so much guilt for feeling hurt when he has the cancer. I really have no one to talk to about this and each day feel a little more hopeless.

[Gigi27]

My situation is a little different, my husband of 39 yrs was diagnosed with stage 3 pharyngeal cancer went through 7 weeks of radiation and chemo, finished treatment and has a voice again,( which he completely lost). He's able to taste food, and best of all has not smoked since the day before his surgery in October 2016. He seems to be better right, however the chemo left him with kidney damage. His blood pressure with a couple meds are still running high. His hands shake terrible and he' an artist by trade. Now they want to start treatment for diabetes, which he's refusing. He is 66yrs old and up till this he never had to take so much as an aspirin. With all this, he wanted to stop chemo and I continued to tell him he needed to continue.

Now the anger directed at me and shutting me down while he talks to other women and makes me feel so insecure, while he tells me terrible things about our life and how he does'nt want to do things with me and how much anger and dislike for me he has. He says he's not the man he was before this and I made him do this. One day he is nasty and mean and the next day  he's apoligizing and tells me he loves me, it's like nothing ever happened. I told his radiation doctor and his gp and they told him he needs to be nicer, what a joke! I want to walk away and I'm so unsure if this is a result of the meds or if he needs help (which is what I suggested) and told he's not seeing any more doctors, or if medically theres something else going on. I'm tired of crying, I really don't want to leave him, I can't continue like this. Has anyone else been here, am I missing something?

[Traci-Renee]

Hestas, I’m so sorry you are going thru this.  My husband was also mean at first.  Is this behavior to you new?  If it isn’t new has it begun since the cancer and treatment?  Is he taking a steroid?  My husband was also very mean and acted like he hated me.  I was crying all the time.  I felt lonely and hopeless.  Then one day a nurse heard the way he was talking and looking at me, and me with my head down like a beaten up wife.  She waited outside of the ladies room for me to come out, and asked me had he always been like this?  I started crying and said NO!!!  A counselor from the clinic tried calling him a few days later and he wouldn’t answer or return her calls.  He even asked me if I talked or said something to someone at the clinic.  Of course I denied everything...well the next week we went in for an appointment and they cut his steroid down from two pills a day to one.  Wow what a difference that made.  Two weeks later she pulled them completely from him.  Now he thanks me, hugs me and mostly appreciates me.   I do have to say one day he was not feeling well and I was thinking oh god I hope it’s not because of the steroids...and don’t you know he said to me the next day maybe I should go back on the steroids.  I said with a sad face why are you in more pain without them?  Feeling very bad for him.  He says no not at all. I just think it might be better for me to maybe try them again.  I said if you touch those damn Steroids I am leaving and living somewhere else, bc if your not in pain and you choose to take them, then I chose to come here and take care of you and leave when your mean.   He never took them again.  Lol and my house is much more calmer and we talk, huh and snuggle.  Don’t get me wrong we still have little fights but not like the monster he was like on steroids.  If you need to talk or want to you can email me. Tracireneenmahar@gmail.com 

Please remember you have feelings and watch out for yourself. You need to take care of yourself in order to care for someone else.  I’m still learning this.  Take care hugs

[Traci-Renee]

Hi Gigi27, is he taking steroids? Bc my husband was so nasty to me when he was.  Once they stopped the steroids, he was much nicer to me.  And when he was upset with me, we could at least talk it out.  But there was no talking to him on Steroids.  Take care and God Bless.  It sucks to be treated like a punching bag day in and day out.  While we are hurting so much inside.  My email address is Tracireneenmahar@gmail.com Hope this helps

hugs

[BJO67]

I feel for you.

I went through many months of my partner being angry and nothing ever being good enough.

I guess because we are there 24/7 we are the ones who bear the brunt.

I used to get really hurt when his sister would fly up for a few days here and there then try to take over.

She got all the good moods and was on a pedestal while I took all the crap.

It did get better and he became more loving and appreciative toward the last few months.

Hang in there...he knows you love him.

Just tell him you're doing your best. Hope you are being supported by family or friends. Caring for someone with cancer is the hardest thing you'll ever do x